Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Tangential thoughts on first Chapter of Clowning in Rome.

I have attempted several times to post my insights on Nouwen but have deleted it all because they became too polemic. Though visceral and what I think are truthful, they would betray the intention of my blog so I have waited until what I believe I could write was edifying yet, still, honest and not so angry. Also, I am waiting for a dear friend to receive her copy of 'Clowning' in the mail........now I won't be the only female in the boat. I am hoping she will begin her blog soon.

Though long winded and probably redundant to past postings, here is an impression from reading Nouwen. I was continually struck by his discussion on solitude in that it locks into the theme that I believe is the one root of all human need and the key to a real life with God and one another. It all really boils down to the simple word, so frequently stated in Nouwen's work," Intimacy." We are all desperate for this mysterious encounter..... we are wired for it from birth and continue our whole lives in healthy and unhealthy ways to attempt to fill this primordial ache created in us. If the True One is never allowed to fit this space in the way HE desires, or we have been damaged by other's abuse of this need, the individual becomes a fragmented, irrelevant imposter trying to experience and accomplish spiritual things from a vacuum ( I speak from experience). Nouwen's message is basically, to be an authentic being, to be salt or light in a God starved world, you must experience authenticity....intimacy with self and Christ before you enter the world attempting to leave your footprint.

I believe that there are people in the church and they are good, well meaning people, but tragically, they have not seen a day of intimacy with Jesus let alone themselves.....despite their good intentions of mission, service, vision, and a Christian's personal holiness, they do little for the kingdom of God and can actually be detrimental to their fellow believers and the gospel message. There are far too many unexamined lives wreaking havoc on the body in Christendom. It is the privilege of every human that calls themselves a follower of Jesus to be intimately involved with Him..... that is the 'first things first' of any serious disciple, and I am thankful for people like Henri Nouwen, Brennan Manning, Oswald Chambers, Jeanne Guyon, Francois Fenelon and Calvin Miller who, through their struggles and pain, have had the honesty and courage to help me to see what this looks like.

I have learned to find the riches and depths of Christ through these virtual strangers. Why is that? I have been to a lot of church in its many forms and presentations and have heard little if none of what their writings emphasize. I see people sincerely try to do amazing things for the kingdom who have nothing to their depth save zealousness and a need to make an emergency bond. I am no different; I am so good at trying to have the riches of Christ without the work of intimacy wth Him. That is the lie of all lies in church today......join this group, do this study, model this form of church, serve in this ministry,and then..........and then, personal implosion and being grouped, in my opinion, with the goats in the end!!!

No, the way, as Jesus said and demonstrated is narrow, low tech, not a system, power point program, pamphlet or pseudo-community. It is work, not as I think or waste energy on, but an effort to prioritize quietness, and poverty, and personal honesty in Jesus. It is to persevere through the fear and existential separateness, which comes upon me when I am really alone with this Son of the Most High. It is to endure my wandering mind and cerebral conversations and arguments with friends and enemies as I attempt to settle down into the solitude that will create and renew. It is to be able to accept His truth and conviction,( which amazingly is vastly different from what I tend to think needs conviction and accountability in my life). To not grow discouraged with my vague sense of identity, but to trust in the One who is recreating it. It is a marriage, a vow, a commitment, to Him, of all the worst and best in myself. A place where he tells me I have belonged all along despite the hurts of others, my sins against them, spiritual perfectionism and self-hatred/rejection. It is a place to tell him I love Him for who He is.........A place where I learn to love His world as He does.

My anemic attempts at solitude have been so healing for the disordered emotions and thinking I suffer with. Meditating on scripture has become medicinal communication with the Holy Spirit and strength in dark moments.... dwelling on Jesus through imagination and Nature has brought so much joy and peace..... And the knowledge that I am passionately loved. It is just so wonderful to begin to know on such a miniscule scale what it really means to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I am almost forty-three years old and accepted Jesus in my heart at fourteen and I am just beginning to understand what that means. I feel like I have met my first and true love...... much of my solitude and meditation on Jesus involves the Song of Solomon....He is my beloved and I am his, this is all I want to know anymore.
I think Oswald Chambers said it best in his message, Intimate With Jesus.

Please read this and be blessed.