Monday, July 27, 2009


Communication is hard.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009





Cocoons


Life is cyclical. There is no denying it. If you read this, you are in a cycle. Whether at a cellular, psychological, spiritual, financial or circadian level, you are somewhere within a cycle.

Cycles for the most part come in stages. Stages of cycles are not equal. Though all are critical, some are just more pleasant than others. Take the cycle of a butterfly for instance. Caterpillering around, eating yourself silly is pretty good, but come on, flying around, being beautiful, pollinating, living on sugar water through a straw seems to be the better part of the process....or is it? I guess it is just the way you perceive it. And then, well, there is the cocoon stage.

The cocoon stage is not too attractive and from the action point of view, pretty darn boring, but it is probably the most critical and interesting part of the cycle. The reason I say this is because nothing and everything is going on----the paradox of the cocoon so to speak. I love this. For me the chrysalis is one of the greatest parables.

The cocoon is where the one thing (caterpillar-- etc,) becomes cut off from its former ways and nature. It blankets itself (it has no choice really, unless some other process interfers) from "caterpillarness" to engage in a pretty radical and who knows possibly violent transformation. It is a kind of miracle if you are into that sort of thing. Yet, while becoming "other," something of the former remains. That's pretty cool.

I have always wondered what it was like inside a cocoon. Does it hurt to become a butterfly? Does the inbetween know that it is changing? Is it conscious of anything? Maybe it actually dies a kind of insect death. No. I don't think so...it just evolves while NO ONE is looking. I could be wrong, scientists like to do that sort of thing, watch and take it all apart. I recently watched a baby show with Bronwyn on how modern sonography can really provide an amazingly clear photo of a baby doing some pretty fancy transforming in the womb. Nevertheless, metamorphasis for the most part, is an isolated affair, even if there is the occasional voyeur.

What comes out of the cocoon is fairly fragile however. Cocoon armor, while cramped, is awfully protective. Yes it is something new and beautifu,l but elusive, fragile and full of new caterpillars.......hmmm??... ....cycles.

Something of the human soul can be compared to, though not perfectly, a butterfly cycle, but I won't go in to that. I just know, that is, in my analogy world, that for a human soul, cocooning has to be hard because it involves immobilization, undistracted confinement, strangeness and maybe even violence. What changes, dissolves, expands?? Does the crawling ego become absorbed by a winged consciousness that is fragile but purposeful. Whatever the stages, one MUST become another and the same. If not......no more caterpillars. There is mystery and miracle in that.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009



A Time to Embrace


I want to get back to blogging, but I am mired in being overly self-conscious about my post topics, inertia, time constraints etc. Facebook is a bit too superficial and its tentacles spread too far and doesn't seem to be the place for real thoughts...I could be wrong.

I have sort of been re inspired to blog by an unlikely source....I barely know the person. I really enjoy her ease at the blog. No torment, not too opinionated and yet so thoughtful. Maybe I could re-dip my toe.

What to post is the question as my last one considered a heavy passage in my life. Though I still wrestle with all the issues of that blog, I am looking at it from another perspective...... no less challenging. So where do I start? Well, I think I will start with an inspiration which comes with a little irony.

A Facebook friend was participating in one of those chain type things which I should probably have resisted -------but I didnt. The post directed that you pick up a random book nearest to you, choose a particular page and sentence and then post it----seemed fun. Well, my sentence came from a book titled, The Heart of Henri Nouwen and the random sentence was: Today I can no longer say that, and my question has become: "How am I going to use the few years left to me? Wow!

Still being in the raw times of cancer-survival- world, those words fall heavy on me. Not to mention the ouji board temptation to succumb to the prophecy of their message. But really, who knows how long anyone has to live?

According to Henri Nouwen, time is not a measure of the years we have and anxiously cling to, but an opportunity to embrace ( or not embrace) God's love offered to us from eternity to eternity. I am drawn to this and it settles on my soul pretty well. How does that work though--- especially in the light of how hard it is too embrace God when it feels like He is not hugging back? What does it look like? Instead of seeing my life as time--- (this by the way becomes a huge thing when you have been doing the cancer dance)---see it as the opportunity to embrace that which is greater than myself.

Yes, that is a good thing....except for the fact that I'm a terrible hugger. This I have been told. My anemic hug has been labeled the "Heidi" hug. That bothers me. Perhaps I have embraced God the way I have embraced people. Who knows. Whether I get a few or many I don't know, but I guess this is the time to begin embracing......... darn that Facebook....