Being Myself

I was thinking about, or rather, I was made aware of how careless I can be in my prayer life. I find myself praying the old standard: help me to be more like Jesus in my life……… yadah, yadah, yadah, you know how it goes. But, as I was in my location of a higher spiritual plane, that is, in the kitchen, washing dishes, a little small voice was challenging my perfunctory request. I was made aware of what a big thing it is to desire, request or attempt to be like Jesus.

Simply, (without revealing too many details of a complicated issue) I was asked why I was content to do one thing for one individual that I would not do for another with the same need. Both I and the Spirit knew the answer, but it needed to be asked; it was a timing thing. Also, the Spirit had a more detailed and expanded answer for me.

So, the answer was that I want to be like Jesus when it involves a sacrifice that benefits me or makes me appear better than I am. I love being like Jesus when it involves casting demons out; telling Pharisees where to go; healing the sick and feeding five thousand (all via the wave of a hand .) I especially love being like Jesus when it comes to being right in all things, of course!

But, when it comes to caring for another’s burden at a cost to my convenience, or being tolerant with someone who is treating me heinously, or shutting my mouth when my children make foolish, immature decisions; accepting criticism and rejection with grace; saying no to a material thing to allow a spiritual thing to bloom; being completely forgiving when all I want to do is to discuss how badly I have been offended and critical of behaviors I am in bondage to myself........when it comes to this......the Spirit said.........You love being yourself.

Sometimes one of the steps to a deeper relationship with your Teacher is to be shown and be convinced how totally other He is from you. Seems paradoxical that the best way to relate to God is to embrace the stark chasm between your natures and rather than become discouraged, you draw closer.

Father forgive me, for I do not know what I am doing.