I have a mood disorder. It is a very mild form of bipolar disorder properly termed ,cyclothymia. I have had it since the sixth grade. I can even recall the moment when I became aware of it. My Mother has it; two of my aunts had it and my grandmother committed suicide. It is highly inherited and the stigma on people who suffer from it, is horrendous .....especially within the church. I think mental illness really frightens people and I can empathize with that. But, I also believe that mental illness, though a terrible thorn, can be the greatest blessing in diguise. It has become that for me. Jesus has proved his amazing sufficiency and revealed himself powerfully in some of the most dark hours. And paradoxically, having this mental weakness has made me more sane than most "normal" people I know. Things become very clear when you realize your mind is precariously perched on a thin wire and there is no safety net. You come to the serene conclusion that God is the catcher and your job is to close your eyes and reach out. I am so grateful for the compassion and creativity and mercy he has brought from it...I am much slower to judge and more obedient in prayer and trust.


I Am writing these thoughts down because I have, for the last three days, been feeling the pendulum swing from center (fairly normal for me) to the more active (manic) side. It usually begins with something in my sleeping. This time it has been intense dreaming. The dreams are always like movies...huge and the cinematography is incredible. The Lord has taught me how, through spiritual disciplines and professionals, to cope, learn and even be fruitful in this time. I try not to view it as an ABNORMAL state but I try to interpret through the eyes of the Lord and receive from him what he chooses to give. A very comforting thing I do when my mind becomes more active is to pray the 23rd psalm ceasleessly.

However, I was discouraged this a.m. because I reverted to fear instead when I woke up. I have not been praying and I was very verbally impatient with my family. I know when I lose control this way I tend to spiral into a very destructive thought pattern of guilt and despair. I remember so clearly what it was like to be mothered by a severe bi-polar and my greatest fear is to transfer that legacy to my family. The greatest challenge of someone with emotional illness is to be very aware of its effect on those you love. It can be devastating and without knowing it we may not only remain in the defeat of our thorn, but also teach others patterns of dysfunction. I was tempted to remain in emotional oblivion.

With the prodding of the Spirit ,I was able to pull it together enough to get to the gym; exercise has a medicinal effect on my moods. On the way home I watched a dove fly over and felt the familiar yearn I have, when this mood descends, to fly away..... to disappear from my suburban cage of domesticity and tameness. Just then, the sight of the mountains and the most beautiful mist over them came to view . In this picture, the quiet strength of God spoke to me. It made me long for Him and reminded me of Psalm 121:1-2. Today, I will endure.

I lift up my eyes to the hills---
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
the Maker of heaven and earth.


To the Great Lover of my soul....all glory and honor to you, Jesus... may I fly to your bosom when you call.